An Open Letter To My Lifelong Best Friend

To my lifelong best friend,

I wish I could know exactly where to begin, but the first phrase needs to simply just be THANK YOU. Thank you for loving and standing by me throughout every single season in the past 4 years. You have been my rock, my best friend, and so much more.

Thank you for laying out at the pool and getting miserably sunburned every weekend/weekday that Spring semester in Starkville. Thank you for moving to the coast of Mississippi with me and spending every hot sunny day possible on the beach.

Over everything, I am so thankful that you have stood by me, supported me, and been on my team regardless of what was going on in our world around us. Thank you for blaring Taylor Swift with me and always being willing to be my workout partner, thank you for endlessly cheering me on and telling me I am pretty. But most importantly, thank you for pushing me to keep going on the days I felt like I couldn't, and making me smile when I didn't really want to.

Now our lives have changed and there are so many things/memories I miss, but oh how I cherish them and cannot wait for the adventures to come in Nashville. I love you always. Thank you for being my better half and my soulmate until the end of time.

The Most Incredible Journey

If you would have told me a year ago that my life would look the way that it does today, I would have probably laughed in your face… but quite frankly I am so thankful that my life took a 180 turn. And all it took was a single phone call to my father for him and my bubba to be on their way to Gulfport and help move me to Nashville, Tennessee.

All in all, that moment when I picked up the phone to call my daddy wasn’t one of my proudest. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and I knew in the back of my mind that my parents were right when they had previously warned me about moving in with a man I was not married to… a very difficult and heartbreaking pill to swallow. I will preface the next few paragraphs by saying that this man (who I will not name on this blog) is not under any circumstances a bad man, however he and I were just quite honestly not compatible whatsoever.

I had chosen to buy a home and move in with a man I thought would be my husband, we were planning a wedding once I graduated college and picking colors for a house together… but God had so many better plans for me than just becoming another housewife. In the beginning moments of renovating our new home, my ex and I seemed to be doing quite well, but that didn’t last very long.

We began fighting a lot during the renovations, I wanted things to be finished, projects to be finished, but that never seemed to happen and he just did not seem to be in any hurry whatsoever. The fighting led to him drinking more and more which of course led to more arguing as well as my anxiety and depression levels skyrocketing. It was a toxic relationship for both of us. The drinking was something I was so embarrassed of, that I continued to cover it up for both his sake and mine. If people would ask about it, I would always create excuses like “Well, everyone enjoys a beer when they get home from work,” or something along the lines of “Even I love a good glass of wine with dinner”. Both excuses were completely invalid... Finishing a case of beer in two days is not a beer after work or with dinner, it is purely and simply alcoholism.

Time kept going on and things kept getting worse for me, my anxiety to him was nonexistent and was something I just needed to overcome on my own, no therapy or anything. I finally got to the point where I wanted to leave, but I was afraid. I was afraid to leave and hear what my family would say, afraid that if I left him I would be unlovable for anyone else, and afraid to start over in a new place.  One evening our arguments got to the point where it was no longer healthy for me to stay in our home, so I packed a few bags and went to stay with a girlfriend of mine. I ended up staying with her for some time while I tried to figure out how to break the news to my family, his family, as well as our mutual friends. A few weeks into this, he offered to meet at the house so we could try and talk it over… he didn’t show up. That was my breaking point, I felt so helpless in that moment and I called my daddy.

My daddy and bubba are probably the best two men I could have asked for in that very moment, they were at my home in Gulfport moving me out within twelve hours of that phone call. My older brother and I rode together, and never once in a million years have I ever met a man who would advise and comfort their little sister the way Jeff did the whole way home – there were more tears in front of him than I have ever shed in front of anyone else.

The first few weeks of being in Nashville were so difficult for me, getting into a new church, not knowing many people, and adjusting to being with my parents again. I was beyond embarrassed, but I attempted to keep going. In time, things finally began to click and get easier for me. I was enjoying being alone much more and making some incredible friends.

Today, I am living in my own apartment in the city of Nashville. I have done a complete 180 from where I was a year ago. I am not telling my story to get any sympathy, but to simply tell you that Isaiah 61:3 rings true, especially in my life.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3)

Your story is not finished today, and it will not be finished tomorrow. My story is still blossoming and changing each day. The Lord is the most amazing and righteous provider; He has healed me and given me new friendships that I had never expected to receive. All of those fears I have previously mentioned… He took those and crushed them. The most amazing fulfillment in my life is the way that my ultimate Father has blessed me, healed my heart, and chosen to love me daily.

I was afraid of starting over and now I am so passionately in love with my life that I would not give up a single experience for the world. I have cultivated incredible relationships with people I never would have met if I had not made the jump to Nashville. My family has never once said, “I told you so” with regards to the decisions I had made previously… and best of all, I am loved by an incredible group of people. God took my ashes and is creating the most beautiful life from them. He will do the same for you.

Millennials and Relationships

So lately I have been reading a lot of blogs, tweets, Facebook posts, etc. about how relationships nowadays just aren't what they should be... but I am here to say that those claims are absolutely 110% FALSE. The problem is not that relationships are fundamentally bad, the problem is that no one really knows if they are in a relationship, "talking" (whatever that actually even means), sleeping together, "chilling" (again, whatever that one means as well), or any number of other slang terms millennials have come up with to describe someone they're interested in but too afraid to commit to.

Now, I am not here to say that if those are the things you are interested in having that you are wrong, but I am going to say that if you are NOT interested in having an uncommitted relationship, you definitely have to change the way you're speaking to people and communicating your needs. I think that everyone has a right to have different opinions, needs, wants, etc. in their relationships for sure.

First off, those who do want that committed partnership for the long-term, you have to get right with God! It was a lot of heartbreak, frustrations, and pain until I met the man I am currently with... and the majority of that came because I refused to listen to God, and what He wanted from me. Now, that is not to say that my relationship with Thomas is perfect, nor do I know if it'll last forever (we are kinda new into this whole thing) but it is to say that I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves the Lord, he loves me, and he is the person I trust wholeheartedly with everything. (ALSO -- Please note, Tom is NOT perfect but he is intentional... and a great match FOR ME... EVERYONE needs someone who can meet THEIR OWN relationship needs)

My relationship with God really came into fruition when I made the decision to leave Mississippi and move to Nashville. I spent a lot of time alone, and there were definitely those lonely nights when I wished I had never left Mississippi... but I leaned on the Lord, and prayed a whole bunch... and cried some too. I began to spend a lot more time in the church, found ministries that catered to my personal needs, and continued to meet women that blessed me and became my support system through this time (RAYLA THATS YOU!).

Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times" 

Secondly, I had to get right with MYSELF. I had to really relearn how to love myself through this walk with God. I had to really make the effort to spend some time loving myself, enjoying life alone, and pursuing my various passions. I truly believe that regardless of where you are in life, whether it be single, married, parenthood, etc. you must find time to be alone and nourish your spirit. There were many nights when I sat in bed with a book, watched netflix alone, or even spent the afternoon sprawled out in my living room with my family. Those times made me love myself and value myself so much more. I had to come to the terms that I deserve to be valued, I deserve to be loved, and most importantly I deserve to feel the freedom to be myself in every aspect of my life.

AND FINALLY, WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR... THE MUSHY GOOSHY RELATIONSHIP STUFF!!!!

So, once the first two steps were coming together in harmony for a good bit of time, I met Tom. It was sort of by chance and I almost didn't even go on our first date (YEP!!!). But then I went to our first date and then we sat for hours, and then we talked for hours... and the rest is sort of history! But here's the deal, here is what REALLY sold me on Tom, he was INTENTIONAL. Every single date we have been on (TO THIS VERY DAY) he has planned a place, a time, and what we are doing. He has always made it a point to call whatever it is that we were doing a DATE and ALWAYS made me feel valued. Secondly, he was straightforward. It didn't take but a few dates for him to make sure that we were exclusive. He was a MAN about it and made sure that he stated his desires from the get go!

Although the intent was clear on his end of things, he also made sure to go above and beyond to always make me feel special and valued. From picking me up for all of our dates, opening doors for me wherever we go, to sending me gorgeous bouquets of flowers... I have never ceased to feel valued and loved when it comes to him.

Now here's the biggest aspect of our relationship... Not only is he intentional, we value the Lord in our relationship. We attend mass on Sunday mornings together and are always praying for one another. Tom in every aspect is a good man, but the most important aspect to us, is that he is a man of God. He is a prayerful and hardworking man. We spend ample time together, but also spend time apart.

All in all, I write this to say -- pray for the fairytale because it does exist. And be patient! I spent so many long nights praying for a man who loved me the way Christ loved the church. And God provided, but I had to be right with God first and also right with myself. Delight in the Lord! It's the most fulfilling way to live your life.

Tom and I at the Italian Lights festival in Nashville, TN

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Jesus, Haiti, 3 AM Worship Jams

Do ya wanna know what's completely crazy to me? That God just looks down from Heaven at me, and He wants to give me this heart for Haiti, ME?! I am so unworthy, and yet he is SO compassionate and perfect EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's so crazy to me, because I feel like I literally screw up every single day, but He sees me through beautiful rose colored glasses. He sees me as valuable enough to send me places I never thought were possible for just one woman, but here I am, getting ready to go on the trip of a lifetime, because of HIM.

Jesus, he's a rockstar, and sometimes he just keeps me up all night long with crazy emotions for Him, but also for the opportunities He has set in front of me. Things that I honestly never imagined... the coolest thing about it is, He loves me SO much, that He handpicked me... and I just still don't really fathom that. But these are the love songs I can totally jam to. It's so weird that looking at this trip, my biggest fear is not wanting to come back. Yep, you read that correctly, I am so afraid of just wanting to stay with the beautiful souls I will meet in Haiti. I hear it all the time, too. One of my good friends, Rayla, she talks about how she can't wait to move to Nicaragua (where her heart is) and how she cannot wait to get back to those people. I truly believe that sometimes, we just aren't meant to stay in the place we were raised, especially when our hearts are pulling us across the world. 

Jesus and I have a funny thing going on, He's healing me by sending me places. I wonder if Haiti even realizes that I need them WAY more than they will ever need me. It's a wonderful thing to realize that. He has been working on my heart, a little bit at a time, and my heart has not felt as complete as it does at this very moment in a crazy long time. He is restoring me in ways that I never thought possible... and yet for so long I ran. I ran in every direction other than to God. 

Well, God, get ready to put up with some more 3 AM jams, rambling conversations, and SO much more. There is no greater and more perfect love than what He gives me.